I feel sad again, and I'm just confesing stuff that I have in my chest right now ... It really pains me in my chest and I need to pour them ... now.

So I argued a little bit with my mom, infront of my aunt.
I don't call it argueing, but I have used a voice that I don't normally use with her. I actually showed her my "rebellious" anger and rage. At least, she understands me and she let me express myself, in the limit of respect, of course. I keep my respect for her when I want to debate with her, and I went to my room because I felt that everybody was against me, all my brothers and sisters, while there was only my aunt who got me a little. When my aunt visits us, I feel more free to talk.

When I went to my room, I heard my aunt defending me, she was saying that at this age, teenagers are often like that, and that it's better for mom to let me "free" by times and let me do what I want.
I wanted to listen to the conversation between them, so I stayed behind the room and listened to them.


And I heard my mom talking. She said stuff about me, how she also do her best to give me freedom, to let me infront of the computer, to chat and write to people I know, to note my best friends and confess in DA ... But she said that sometimes, I don't do anything back, adn that I abuse the time given to me.

She said that she see from me things that she doesn't like, but she doesn't react much against it. Meanwhile, I play and chat like there's nothing wrong about it. She said she'd let me do what I want if I do something back for her before, and complete all my duties; but instead I directely go and spend my time infront of the computer. I don't talk often, and when I do, it's just complaining about my dad, school, work ... And that I don't even thank her.

I don't "do what normal girls do", she added. "We are not like the other families in her school. Even if she sees other girls spending their day in the internet, hanging out and shopping, she must know that we're not in that class. We don't have "maids" who do the harmful house works, she must cooperate"

She is right.

I really loved her when she said that. I mean, she confesses with my aunt the same way I confess with my friends by notes in DA. The problem is that each side thinks he's right, and refuses to listen to the other, thinking that he doesn't "get him". I think that my mom doesn't understand my feelings, and so does she. And that creates a little misunderstanding between us.

Both of us express their feelings to different people, but never infront of each other, because we know that the other won't really pay attention to our opinions. She does it with my aunt, I do it with people here in DA. Sure, it makes us feel better to express, but does it change the relationship between us ? Even if people we talk to give us advices, do we really apply them fully when I'm with my mom ?

I look back and I say "no". Yes, I try to make the first step, and when I heard my mom talking to my aunt, I know that she does the same. I'm also aware that when my mom's home, I find freedom more than when my dad's there. She let me draw, she doesn't criticize when I show her the finished work, even if she doesn't agree with my hobby ... But she bears me, and in fact, she doesn't yell at me THAT much. She said she yells at me once and she ignores me thrice.

And she says that it makes her cry
She cries because of me

I feel guilty, and I realise that I should talk and be with my mom more. She does effort to understand a stubborn girl like me, and she bears me seeing me doing things she doesn't like. I want, in my side, do infront of her things she likes from me, and only for her sake, not for dad's. I want to show her that I love her and that I appreciate her initiative, and how she talks about what burn her in the chest the same way I do.

Now that I think about it, me and mom act with each other like Tsunderes.

So I will shrink the time I spend in DevianArt, I'll make it ... A half-hour per day ?
It's not the time I take to fully reply to all the notes, messages and comment on my friend's work, but at least it'll do something.
So please don't think that I ignore your replies, notes and comments. I'll answer to them soon as I know that my mom is finally satisfied with me, and she'll give me the feedom that I deserve, I mean in return of personal efforts I made to make both of us happy and satified.
From now on I'll make efforts, do shit I hate, work crazy just for my mom. I really really really loved her when she confessed like this to my aunt. She's so like me.

Now I just want to hug her when my aunt leaves, I want to apologize to her.

ASSGIDOIDFSDSDFHDLF I LOVE MY MOM

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